Relax, put down the inflatable boat. We’re not talking about great whites cruising past the Houses of Parliament. The sharks found here are mostly small, bottom-dwelling species that you’d probably mistake for a rock. The most common is the tope shark, which is basically the Labrador of the shark world—harmless to you, loves a good crab.
Another regular is the spurdog. It’s a sleek, spiny little guy that looks like a torpedo wearing a punk vest. I’m not kidding—it has venomous spines on its dorsal fins. Don’t worry, though; you’d have to really annoy it to get a sting. It’s more interested in fish than in your ankles.
And then there’s the smooth hound. Despite the terrifying name (it sounds like a crime boss), it’s a shy hunter that feeds on crustaceans. Basically, the Thames shark community is a bunch of nerds, not a gang of killers. (Side note: isn't "smooth hound" the perfect name for a Bond villain’s pet?)
Wait, How Did They Get There?
If you’re picturing a secret underwater tunnel from the Atlantic, stop. The Thames Estuary connects directly to the North Sea. It’s a massive, brackish nursery for marine life. So, these sharks aren’t visiting; they live here. They’ve been here longer than the Romans, honestly.
'Megalodon sharks with 5m tall fin' breach water in River Thames as
In fact, recent reports from the Zoological Society of London (those wonderful science nerds) show that the Thames is actually getting cleaner. Which means more fish. Which means more sharks coming to eat them. It’s like a happy, slimy little cycle of life under your commuter ferry.
I know what you’re thinking: “But I swim in the Thames for charity events!” And you probably don’t want a shark to join your breaststroke. Here’s the reality: these sharks are so small and shy, they’re more likely to hide from you than bump your leg. A tope shark maxes out at about six feet, but they’re built like eels—thin and terrified of humans.
The Ironic Twist
Here’s where it gets funny. The real danger in the Thames isn’t sharks—it’s the sewage and the ship traffic. Ironic, right? We worry about a mythical great white, but we should be worrying about the E. coli. (That’s the joke: “Sharks in the Thames? No, but there’s definitely a Salmonella outbreak.”)
Venomous Sharks Back in London's River Thames - For Scuba Divers
Still, you’ve got to respect the ecosystem. The Thames supports over 115 species of fish, including seahorses, eels, and yes, sharks. It’s a thriving urban estuary. So next time you walk across the bridge, look down. Maybe wave. There’s a little smooth hound down there, just vibing under a tugboat.
And if you’re still freaked out, just remember: London has more rats than sharks. By like, a million to one. So focus on the rats. That’s the real horror story.
In all seriousness, it’s kind of cool. The Thames is ancient, dirty, and misunderstood. And so are its sharks. Next time someone asks, “Are there sharks in the Thames?”, you can smirk and say, “Absolutely. But they’re mostly hipsters who prefer sustainable fish.”
Just don’t expect me to go swimming anytime soon. I’m with the rats on this one—dry land, please.
