Think of yourself as a sad, wilting fern that forgot to drink. You’re not just thirsty; you’re crispy around the edges. Your brain is screaming, “Hydrate or die!” but your hands are clumsy and your eyelids are heavy.
The first rule of fast drinking is accepting your desperation. Don’t pretend you’re being elegant. You’re a firefighter hosing down your own esophagus. Own it.
Step 1: The Grip of Desperation
Forget the fancy crystal glass or the delicate stemware. You need a wide-mouthed vessel. A pint glass, a mason jar, or even a plastic water bottle with the cap half-screwed off. The goal is minimal resistance.
If you’re using a regular cup, tilt it like you’re pouring champagne for a mob boss. You want the water to hit your lips in a wave, not a dribble. A thin trickle is for tea-sipping grandmas, not for you.
I once tried to chug from a dainty teacup. It was like trying to drain a swimming pool with a fancy straw. Don’t be me. Go big or go to bed dehydrated.
