First up: no more skipping across the road. I’m only half-joking. The new rules apparently want you to walk like you have a purpose. No dawdling. No meandering like a confused goose in a crosswalk.
You have to cross at a “steady, deliberate pace.” What is that? Is it the walk you do when you see your boss in the hallway? Or the walk you do when you realize you forgot your wallet at the cafe? It’s a mystery.
Look, I get it. Jogging is chaotic. But telling me to “steady deliberate” my way across six lanes of traffic feels like a trap. It feels like the city wants me to be a target for bored drivers.
The Phone Is Now Illegal (Sort Of)
This is the big one. You cannot hold your phone in your hand while crossing. I almost dropped my iced coffee when I read this. The rule, in some places, is that you can’t even glance at the screen.
You have to put it in your pocket. Your pocket. Do you know what lives in my pocket? Lint and old gum. It’s a dark place. What if I get a really important text? Like, “Your pizza is ready for pickup”? That feels like a national emergency.
I’m supposed to just feel the buzz and wait? That’s medieval. But fine. I’ll do it. I’ll just have to practice my eye contact with the driver. You know, that awkward staring contest you win by losing. “Yes, I see you, sir. I acknowledge your 2012 Honda Civic. Please don’t run me over.”
