Most of the time, a closure is caused by something called an “incident.” That’s traffic-speak for “a lorry driver forgot his lorry is as tall as a two-storey house.” They hit a bridge, and suddenly everyone’s Friday night plans are ruined. I once saw a sign that said “Lorry stuck under bridge—expect delays” and I thought, mate, that lorry’s not stuck, it’s living its best life, cosplaying as a part of the road.
Another classic: a broken-down vehicle decides to nap in lane three. It’s always lane three. Never lane one, where it would be polite. Oh no, it’s the middle lane, blocking 500 people who just want to get to a garden centre. You sit there, watching the driver on the hard shoulder, phone in hand, looking like they’ve just lost their car keys and their will to live. We feel you, buddy. We feel you.
Roadworks: The Never-Ending Saga
Then there’s roadworks. The M25 is always under construction. It’s not a road; it’s a giant, open-air museum of orange cones. I swear, if you visit the same section twice, you’ll see a new sign that says “20 mph for the next 200 miles.” And why? To build a “smart motorway” that’s about as smart as a microwave trying to start a conversation. Last week, they closed two lanes because they were “resurfacing.” Resurfacing what? The moon? Because the surface looked fine to me—until I hit the pothole that tried to swallow my front wheel whole.
M25 Traffic Latest Update Today (July 13): Major Delays After Multi
Emergency closures are the real wild cards. Think police incidents, serious accidents, or—my personal favourite—“a fire in a hedge.” Yes, a hedge. I saw that once on a sign near Cobham. A hedge. On fire. That closed the entire clockwise carriageway for an hour. I imagine a squirrel with a flamethrower. Or maybe it was just a very bad day for a runner who dropped a cigarette. Either way, that hedge won the internet for a day.
